Male Loneliness After Divorce: Why Women Aren't the Solution

Loneliness after divorce or separation can be an overwhelming force for men, especially if they’ve built their entire social lives around a partner or family. Male loneliness after divorce is also a major attraction-killer, so we need to address it as a priority before going too far down the path of dating.

5. Women Are NOT the Antidote to Loneliness

Loneliness sucks. I get it, I’ve been there – going years in my twenties without so much as meeting someone I wanted to date, let alone having the nerve to approach strangers in the hope of finding one. I wondered when my turn would come to meet “the one for me”. I believed that all I needed to complete my life and “live happily ever after” was a girl to fall in love with me. That’s how it works in the movies, right? Why should my life be any different?

In my case I was seldom truly alone – at first. I socialised with colleagues after work once or twice a week. I spent my weekends and holidays pursuing hobbies and socialising with other men and women who shared my interests. Whilst I yearned for someone with whom I could share intimacy as well as adventures, I was fortunate to be living a fulfilling life surrounded by people whose company I enjoyed. Free of the demand to spend my free time with a significant other, I devoted what in hindsight was an unhealthy amount of time and energy to my career. A series of fast-tracked promotions in a rapidly growing industry led to me travelling almost non-stop for most of the year, stopping off at home for 36 hours over a weekend to run a load of washing, clear my mailbox, and set off again on Sunday afternoon to arrive at my next destination in time for meetings on Monday. I’ll admit that this was exhilarating at first, but then my employer mistook my failure to assert boundaries as enthusiasm for more travel. By the end of the year my schedule eased and I found myself at home with nothing to do in my down time. Having grown accustomed to my repeated apologies: “sorry – I’m away for work that weekend” for so long, my friends had simply stopped inviting me to social activities and trips away. Many weekends passed when I would not even speak to another person – I’d just complete my chores, take a walk, go to the beach, watch videos, eat takeaway and try not to let the loneliness get to me. As time went on, the friends I used to spend my weekends paired off with partners or moved away to pursue their careers and the easy opportunities to socialise without advance planning became far less frequent.

It was at this point that I fell into the trap of thinking “if only I had a girlfriend to come home to, I wouldn’t have to feel lonely! She would organise social activities for us, and when we’re alone together we’d enjoy some romance and intimacy too! I’d also have a good excuse to work less hours and travel less frequently.” Like so many others, I failed to realise what I really needed:

social & emotional support of a few close friends
prioritise the things that are important to me
establish a social routine that maximises the probability of meeting the right person to fulfil my need for intimacy
set and enforce boundaries to prevent others (like my employer) encroaching on 1, 2 & 3.

I see this scenario play out time and again with men of all ages:

Young men throw themselves into their studies and careers, neglecting their social lives and social skills until suddenly they realise that they want something more than financial success. They immediately jump to the conclusion that they need a girlfriend to fill this gap.
More mature men find themselves socially isolated after the end of a long term relationship in which their partner was the sole organiser of social engagement. In the aftermath of the breakup, he feels that their friends were really her friends.
Other men become socially isolated out of the necessity of putting in the hours at work and at home to support their family leaving insufficient time, funds, or energy to maintain a healthy social life. After the breakdown of the relationship, these men lose the one person that they depended on for social and emotional support.

To make matters worse, it tends to become more difficult to find the time to establish new friendships as we get older. It takes about 50 hours to form a “casual friendship”, about 100 hours to become “friends”, and about 200 hours to become “close friends”. Aside from the time spent together, the quality of friendship forged also depends on the nature of the interaction and depth of conversation. Self-disclosure and its associated vulnerability is an essential element of shifting the relationship from “acquaintance” to “friend”. With this in mind, it’s easy to understand why some men choose to invest their available time and effort into finding a romantic partner rather than addressing their social needs through friendship.

Misery Is Not An Attractive Quality

The first problem with this mindset is that attracting a romantic partner becomes even more difficult when you are consumed by loneliness. Let me be clear: there is a distinct difference between wanting a relationship with a woman because you’re socially isolated and lonely, and wanting a relationship with a woman to bring intimacy and romance into an otherwise fulfilling life.

If you are unhappy about your life, why would a stranger you’ve just met want to share your unhappy life with you?

Technology has radically exaggerated the market nature of dating, and women in particular have an abundance of options available to them. For men, this means we’re competing with a vast army of other potential suitors. Misery and social isolation (or a lack of friends and interests outside work) constitute “red flags” for most women with any experience of dating. There is simply no…

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