Nice Guy Syndrome: Why Being Too Nice Kills Attraction
Overcoming Nice Guy Syndrome can be one of the biggest challenges to overcome when dating. This chapter provides insight into what NGS is, how you might recognise the signs, and what you can do about it!
4. The Plight of the “Nice Guy”
“Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.”
Dr Robert Glover
Childhood conditioning reinforced by recurring themes of Disney and Hollywood has fostered generations of men who fail to outgrow the habit of seeking the approval of women. Despite their benign outward appearance, there is an insidious aspect to the “Nice Guy”. Whilst many of the traits of the “Nice Guy” are desirable in moderation, the “Nice Guy” subverts his own wants and needs in an attempt to please others, with the implicit expectation of reciprocity. In the context of relationships, this roughly amounts to believing that if he is “nice” to a woman, she will reciprocate romantically and/or sexually. Inevitably the “Nice Guy” discovers that others, especially his romantic interests, fail to reciprocate. Instead, he will feel that others unfairly take advantage of his generosity, fuelling an impotent rage until it boils over into ugly passive aggressive behaviour.
It’s hard for men to admit to suffering from “Nice Guy” syndrome. After all, the accusation of being nice just to earn sexual favour seems pretty abhorrent to most of us. This is more often than not a subconscious expectation, so most of us remain unaware of it until it is brought to our attention. Until then, the “Nice Guy” sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, in fact he behaves like the perfect gentleman that a lifetime of Disney stories and RomComs have taught him to be, and looks down on the other men who don’t make their wives or girlfriends the centre of their universe.
You too might be a “Nice Guy” if you recognise one or more of the following traits in yourself and your relationship:
- You find it easy to get along with women, but most of the time they just want to be friends, even when you hope for something more with them.
- You resign yourself to the notion that “nice guys finish last”
- Your girlfriend/wife makes all the social plans
- You rarely socialise without your wife/girlfriend being present
- If you change your plans to please your wife/girlfriend if she complains about your intention to do something to satisfy your own interests in life (e.g. sport, hobby, socialise with mates)
- You don’t remember the last time you did something because you really wanted to do it (e.g. sport, hobbies, etc)
- You feel sad or lonely if your wife/girlfriend does things without you (e.g. girls’ night out, work trip, etc)
- Your wife/girlfriend rarely seems to want sex any more, and when it does happen she isn’t really into it.